Because France plans to veto a UN Security Council Resolution aimed at liberating Iraq, the following advisory for American travelers heading for France has been issued. It was compiled by the U.S. Department of State from information provided by the CIA, U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Lady Margaret Thatcher, the FBI, Food Channel, Centers for Disease Control, Fox News, and very expensive spy satellites the French don't even know about. This guide contains insensitive information For Your Eyes Only.

OVERVIEW: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and several smaller "nations" of no particular consequence and inferior shopping. France is an old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilization: Camembert cheese, champagne, truffles, and the guillotine.

France postures as a modern, cutting-edge nation; in reality, air-conditioning is rare, personal under-arm deodorants are unheard of, and decent Mexican food cannot be found. Exasperating for typically respectful American visitors is the fact that the French people stubbornly still speak only French, although many will use passable English if threatened physically. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.

PEOPLE: France has 54 million French persons, most of whom drink and smoke heavily, drive helter-skelter, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French are gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, loof, and undisciplined--and those are their good points. Most French profess to be Roman Catholic, an amusing anomaly if one considers their behavior. Many also are Communists. Topless sunbathing is common among the numerous flat-chested women. Men, even if not wearing thongs in public, often have girls' names like Yves and Marie, and ardently will kiss each other when handing out medals.

American visitors should travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

SAFETY: France usually is safe to visit, although travelers are advised that periodically it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender promptly and, other than a temporary shortage of Scotch and increased difficulty in obtaining baseball scores and stock-market prices, life for visitors generally goes on as if nothing has occurred. A tunnel under the English Channel connecting France and Britain has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the entire government to flee to London.

HISTORY: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages (before there was even a Texas or United States). Other important historic figures are Louis XIV (pronounced "14th"), born-again Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was president for many years and is now an airport.

GOVERNMENT: The French form of government is wildly democratic. Elections are conducted continuously, and invariably result in a runoff. For administrative efficiency, the nation is subdivided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, zip codes, communes, villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament has two chambers, Upper and Lower (inexplicably, both are on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's only roles are 1) to set off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, then 2) be indignant when anyone complains.

U.S. intelligence indicates the current president answers to "Jacques" (his "s" is silent).

CULTURE: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is difficult to understand why. All their songs sound the same, their dancing is violent, and their movies are worthless except for the nude scenes, provided you like to watch effeminate men and ambivalent women chain-smoking on a garish bed. Gallic architecture is pure copycat, and all poems and novels are inexplicably in French.

CUISINE: No matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is still a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, though, are excellent, but nearly impossible for Americans to pronounce. Travelers should stick to the well-done cheeseburgers and so-called "French" fries at leading hotels such as Holiday Inn.

As to drinking water, France bottles dirty melted snow under the label of Evian and sells it to Americans for the same price as high-octane gas. "Evian" spelled backwards is "naive."

ECONOMY: France has a large and diversified economy, second in Europe only to Germany's. This is surprising because French people hardly ever work. If not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in ascending order of importance to its pro-peace economy, are geese, attack aircraft, perfume, guided missiles, pornography, high-tech guns, wine, grenade launchers, ugly Citroen cars, land mines, lace, combat knives, cheese, nuclear weapons, condoms, and 139,745 personal military and petrochemical advisers to Saddam Hussein.

HOLIDAYS: France has more days off than any other nation in the world--704 every 365-day year. National holidays include 197 days for saints, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of General Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won World Two Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are Peaceful Nuclear Bomb Day, the Feast of Brigitte Bardot Day, and National Guillotine Day.

CONCLUSION: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque landscape, lovely towns, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

WARNING: Consular services of the U.S. government are intended primarily to promote business abroad. In the event, however, you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report any Tuesday to the American Embassy between 5:20 and 5:25 a.m., and a consular official (a French local who is supremely attuned to your plight) will give you a list of qualified dentists or taxidermists.

Remember, no one ordered you to visit France. Loyal Americans vacation in Miami Beach, and we advise you to do the same. Good luck, mazeltov, buena suerte--or even bon chance, if you insist on speaking funny.